Take my hand, lead me on...

Let us be silent that we may hear the whispers of the Gods - Ralph Waldo Emmerson


Dear God, I need you to hold my hand and lead me...show me the way for without it I'm not sure I can go on. No, I don't feel depressed, just restless and sometimes...tired, tired of seeing myself move around in circles, repeating the same mistakes/patterns over n over, taking myself on guilt trips, doubting myself, not having enough faith/trust in my own potential or in you I'm sorry to say. Never feeling sure as to where I'm heading or which way I'm really supposed to head!

For a month I had a smooth ride, as in I was learning, growing , feeling good and also witnessing changes. But then out of the blue I stopped writing in my gratitude journal, I don't feel like listening to any tele calls anymore ( it feels tiring to do so) and since my classes have started that constant fear around "oh what's my career supposed to be like, I wanna be successful blah blah seems to be flooding my mind!
I don't know if I could do this until last year but now it's like I'm almost always observing my behaviour, sometimes my thoughts too and wondering "what the hell am I doing", well yeah I haven't reached a stage wherein I could witness myself committing a mistake and be all loving and accepting towards myself. No wonder I'm not able to be that way towards others either, not as much as I'd like to! Sometimes I can see me ( meaning observe me) going on with a string of judgements against others and simultaneously or after a minute or so I'm reminded of Jennifer Hadley's talk around the course in Miracles and how even a single judgement no matter whom it is passed towards is unhealthy. I'm aware of being 'jugdemental' and yet I'm not sure how to not do so!

My Course in Miracles book has finally arrived. I just started reading it yesterday and have finished two chapters so far. I don't think I would have written this post, were it not for my prayer to God or the Higher Force out there to help me rid myself of this heaviness and pain I've been sensing in my chest and a sincere request to help me release my creativity. What's really weird is that I've had a "you should blog about this or that" voice running in my head several times during a day for quite as while now but I'm not sure exactly what kept me from paying heed to it?! I don't know why I have running away from writing. I've seen time and again that this sort of writing wherein I could share or just jot down my feelings and thoughts helps me and yet I don't fully believe in it's healing power!! And yet I write for this voice in me asks me to! Even in this moment, I can feel a shift in my energy after having expressed whatever i have so far.

God, I need you , your help, guidance and support to continue writing on this blog, to not give up hope in myself or get discouraged by the repetitious useless patterns I see myself running in my head and in my life. I need your help in uncluttering my mind and my life. I am not into substance abuse or any self destructive habits per say but doubt, confusion, lack of self love , belief and acceptance, impatience....what could be more destructive than these? If people who form a part of my life ie my friends and class mates ( i'd not include family here) were to read it they'd wonder about the validity of these words for the 'Me' they see is very different and yes that's very much a part of me too but this me exists as well! Ah, how tiring it is to wear a mask ( persona, as Jung would have called it!) and yet it's required at least at this stage. And God, I need your encouragement to be able to unleash my creaitivity. It suddenly dawned on me a short while ago that I haven't done anything creative in ages! I have even doubted for a while now if I'm creative at all but thanks to a reading of a "Course in Miracles", I learnt that we all ARE creative by virtue of being creations of the Creator. It is as natural for us to create as it was and is for him. Creativity maybe suppressed but it is never lost. So help me discover it yet again in my life God. By the time this year ends, I really do wish to witness some substantial changes in my life particularly pertaining to my way of thinking for everything is first created in the mind.


From the details of the 2nd World War to the Power of the Mind, from Jungian concepts and theories to the renowned Philosophers like Kafka and Nietzsche, from the famous literary works to the deep spiritual writings of Mary Baker Eddy,Florence Shinn,Emmerson Ernest Holmes (Science of the Mind) and Carolyn Myss's concept of "Energy Anatomy". From languages like German, Russian and a few others to their culture and lifestyle, I feel a deep yearning and aching hunger to familiarise myself with it all!!! But I need your help with finishing my graduation successfully for I've begun to feel like it's a sort of project I need to finish and that there's something that awaits me beyond my finish line. What I lack isn't the talent or ability, that was never the case, it is motivation and self belief that I need to finish this distant learning degree. Help me so I don't curse the educational system and instead be able to see the blessing ingrained in this situation, the lesson I could learn here!