Where did those days go?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJOn8PVBGqY&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLF72B24B26E991AA9

There's a question I tend to ask myself at times..."When will you really start living?" Does something stop me from living the life of my dreams? No one save me myself I guess. I seem to be creating a history of unfinished businesses in my life, not so much with people as much as with my own self. I know it shouldn't be such a big deal if i start something, feel bored , decide to leave it and then experiment with something new. But it still hurts somewhere I'm not sure why. And what's more is that I don't seem to have truly learnt from it...instead I often witness myself creating more obstacles for myself, for my own journey. Not a very wise thing to do for sure. I know it but do I really understand it?


A dear friend spoke to me of a colleague of his today that he really looks upto. This person hails from a different state and has been living on his own ever since the age of 13! And not only did this guy complete his graduation and post graduation but has also learnt several interesting skills along the way, guitaring, drumming, web designing, journalism (he's been published a few times) being some of them! Oh and he's also into tune composing, singing and song writing. Wow! , I exclaimed. "How do people do it?", I wondered. My friend mentioned that compared to him he feels like a talentless idiot. And then I was reminded of how talented a kid I was back in school."What became of all that talent and all those skills?" , I questioned myself inwardly.


Just sometimes it feels like life got jinxed at 16 and there on what i witnessed was mostly a downward spiral be it academically or emotionally. Of course I'm grateful to have matured so much since then. I'm no more as dependent on others emotionally as I was then. But of course that phase taught me a lot and led me into a new direction of thinking and got me interested in reading. I wonder why end no. of times, I have thought of different things that I could possibly do to earn some extra bucks or good money from and just always I right them off without really trying them! 'What am I scared of?" , I'm forced to ask myself. Or maybe I'm just plain scared..of the idea of bearing the responsibility of my choices and hence choose to play safe all the times. Now the only problem with that is that it makes life really boring!!


Be it the idea of creating my own german youtube channel, or starting my book business almost with no cost involved or of joining an NGO to gain a sense of satisfaction or of learning some new computer skills or teaching german at some random institute, I seem to have not gotten around doing any of these things. I can't help but wonder if all i did was to grow into a thinker or even worst a dreamer who didn't quite learn the art of "Doing"!!!! I feel like more than anything I need to learn to be a doer! I need to "Do" the things that i know will assist me in changing my life. But 'How"? Life is short, I must get started now , before it's too late.

Take my hand, lead me on...

Let us be silent that we may hear the whispers of the Gods - Ralph Waldo Emmerson


Dear God, I need you to hold my hand and lead me...show me the way for without it I'm not sure I can go on. No, I don't feel depressed, just restless and sometimes...tired, tired of seeing myself move around in circles, repeating the same mistakes/patterns over n over, taking myself on guilt trips, doubting myself, not having enough faith/trust in my own potential or in you I'm sorry to say. Never feeling sure as to where I'm heading or which way I'm really supposed to head!

For a month I had a smooth ride, as in I was learning, growing , feeling good and also witnessing changes. But then out of the blue I stopped writing in my gratitude journal, I don't feel like listening to any tele calls anymore ( it feels tiring to do so) and since my classes have started that constant fear around "oh what's my career supposed to be like, I wanna be successful blah blah seems to be flooding my mind!
I don't know if I could do this until last year but now it's like I'm almost always observing my behaviour, sometimes my thoughts too and wondering "what the hell am I doing", well yeah I haven't reached a stage wherein I could witness myself committing a mistake and be all loving and accepting towards myself. No wonder I'm not able to be that way towards others either, not as much as I'd like to! Sometimes I can see me ( meaning observe me) going on with a string of judgements against others and simultaneously or after a minute or so I'm reminded of Jennifer Hadley's talk around the course in Miracles and how even a single judgement no matter whom it is passed towards is unhealthy. I'm aware of being 'jugdemental' and yet I'm not sure how to not do so!

My Course in Miracles book has finally arrived. I just started reading it yesterday and have finished two chapters so far. I don't think I would have written this post, were it not for my prayer to God or the Higher Force out there to help me rid myself of this heaviness and pain I've been sensing in my chest and a sincere request to help me release my creativity. What's really weird is that I've had a "you should blog about this or that" voice running in my head several times during a day for quite as while now but I'm not sure exactly what kept me from paying heed to it?! I don't know why I have running away from writing. I've seen time and again that this sort of writing wherein I could share or just jot down my feelings and thoughts helps me and yet I don't fully believe in it's healing power!! And yet I write for this voice in me asks me to! Even in this moment, I can feel a shift in my energy after having expressed whatever i have so far.

God, I need you , your help, guidance and support to continue writing on this blog, to not give up hope in myself or get discouraged by the repetitious useless patterns I see myself running in my head and in my life. I need your help in uncluttering my mind and my life. I am not into substance abuse or any self destructive habits per say but doubt, confusion, lack of self love , belief and acceptance, impatience....what could be more destructive than these? If people who form a part of my life ie my friends and class mates ( i'd not include family here) were to read it they'd wonder about the validity of these words for the 'Me' they see is very different and yes that's very much a part of me too but this me exists as well! Ah, how tiring it is to wear a mask ( persona, as Jung would have called it!) and yet it's required at least at this stage. And God, I need your encouragement to be able to unleash my creaitivity. It suddenly dawned on me a short while ago that I haven't done anything creative in ages! I have even doubted for a while now if I'm creative at all but thanks to a reading of a "Course in Miracles", I learnt that we all ARE creative by virtue of being creations of the Creator. It is as natural for us to create as it was and is for him. Creativity maybe suppressed but it is never lost. So help me discover it yet again in my life God. By the time this year ends, I really do wish to witness some substantial changes in my life particularly pertaining to my way of thinking for everything is first created in the mind.


From the details of the 2nd World War to the Power of the Mind, from Jungian concepts and theories to the renowned Philosophers like Kafka and Nietzsche, from the famous literary works to the deep spiritual writings of Mary Baker Eddy,Florence Shinn,Emmerson Ernest Holmes (Science of the Mind) and Carolyn Myss's concept of "Energy Anatomy". From languages like German, Russian and a few others to their culture and lifestyle, I feel a deep yearning and aching hunger to familiarise myself with it all!!! But I need your help with finishing my graduation successfully for I've begun to feel like it's a sort of project I need to finish and that there's something that awaits me beyond my finish line. What I lack isn't the talent or ability, that was never the case, it is motivation and self belief that I need to finish this distant learning degree. Help me so I don't curse the educational system and instead be able to see the blessing ingrained in this situation, the lesson I could learn here!

A step towards Embracing my Sexuality.

Hmm...So I wrote you guys a long and amazing post on the Everything is Energy Summit that has begun yesterday but I guess the Universe didn't find it good enough and whoosh , the moment I clicked on publish, I got logged out of blogger and the post was gone :P That sucks but what I really liked is that for the first time I reacted very calmly, I was , much to my surprise, unperturbed. I've lost posts in the past and I know how crazy that drove me, how I'd be all over the place in panic n how upset and above all agitated I would feel on account of it. If anything, the Universe has actually helped me that I really am learning! Wow :) First time ever , an "I can write it again, no problem" reaction to a lost post. This date needs to go down in the glorious pages of the history of my life! :P

I would meanwhile love to share with you a video I watched yesterday that helped me learn about the importance of embracing one's sexuality. Now this is was a very important video for me coz I, having been a tomboy until teenage have never really known how to accept my feminity or what it even means to do so. I've never worn a dress except once and I looked so pretty that I began to feel uncomfortable. I'm the kind of person who'd dress a bit low key so as to not catch much attention such that when I do dress up for a party or function people are often suprised. I have lots of guys as friends but I could never feel connection enough to take things a step further with them. They say "Everything is Energy" and so I've been trying to figure out what exactly one needs to do, how one needs to feel or behave so as to attract her perfect match ;)I so don't feel any impatience to find my guy , just some times I ponder over how wonderful it'll be to find my match and how much we could learn together. This video is a step in that direction I guess? :P And yeah this interview by Lilou sure gave me some insight into the issue I've avoided for long --- Sex n Sexuality! Merci Madame Mace! :) I'd be on the look out for more insightful resources on the same in addition to other subjects ;)

Five years ago I developed this acne issue and while the first two years were worse and I literally cried at the condition of my face , its surely gotten better with time. By now, I'm somewhat aware that it's surely an emotional issue.No, I never took any medicines! I was determined to heal it myself :P So i'm sharing this coz earlier I thought that it was acne that kept me from finding my right guy but lol that was so NOT true. Coz everything is energy! It's not what you are as much as what you're being that matters!
A long time back when I tried finding the metaphyscial or spiritual reason for acne I got Lack of self love and self criticism as the answer. On some level i find that to be true and realize that there's a lot more work I need to do in that direction. I have been a perfectionist always and a hard task master. It's time to change all that.




I'm reminded of another call i watched post Lilou's video. This too proved helpful.
Do check it out at http://www.everythingisenergy.com/radio-show/ Listen to the fifth show under "Top shows you must listen to" . It's titled "Special Sexperts - World changing Orgasms"
http://www.everythingisenergy.com/radio-show/

I am Back!

Dear Readers,

Forgive me for my absence for the past 2 months. I shall hereby try and record events from my life on a more frequent basis for the sole purpose behind the creation of this blog is to track my growth and to help others by helping myself. Post witnessing all that I've gone through during the past 60 days ( I'm writing this post after an exact gap of 2 months lol) I sincerely believe that my life will and is changing for the better. Of course I am struck with self doubt from time to time. I , after all, have a lot of work to do on myself but I sure intend to enjoy the journey regardless of the ups and downs which are sure to come as certain patterns get dissolved I guess.

So I'm 23 now and since the past 2 or 3 years I've been feeling a nudge to jot down my experiences, thoughts, feelings and observations. I'm sure I could get hold of the exact date by looking into one of my journals but ah how does it matter! So the thing is that for some reason or the other and account of one or the other excuse I kept ignoring that nudge, kept telling myself that it's just some wishy washy thing that'll not serve me in anyway, that no one would want to read my blog , not even I!!, that I'd never know what to write about, that sharing my life details with others is the worst thing i could do , that I may end up embarassing myself unecessarily ...blah blah...you got the idea. But now I feel like I've reached a point wherein I'm "really" wanting to move to a higher or better vibrational level, to shift my energy for the better and to take life to a different dimension. I don't know how I'd do it , all I know ...thanks to Revd. Jennifer Hadley's "Course in Miracles" Teleseminars is that "All you gotta show is a little willingness" , the rest would just fall in place. So here I am, with the willingness and the intent. Maybe blogging about my spiritual growth makes no sense in this moment but acting deaf to this soul call ( if I may call it that) ain't gonna serve me in any way. If anything it'll make me all the more restless ( as I've been feeling everytime I thought of blogging about a certain experience and then put it off for some other time!).

Some magical things have occured during this period of 60 days. Of course there were some rough patches too but I'd choose to count my blessings! I believe I'll have to create a new blog for that, recollect the important events and share it with you guys. Why? because I feel like, that's why! And well, of course in my mind I'm always aware that this blog would be a living proof of my success, of my beautiful journey, an evidence of my learning curve and something I could always look back to for encouragement! :)
For now I'd just share that the most magical thing that has happened is my 'moving away from my home and living in a comfortable, nice, secure girl's hostel with my sister that offers delicious food everyday and was So not in our budget (if I were to look at it from a non abundant view point :P - well, I still have lots of issues around abundance that I am praying to resolve and let go of) The second thing has to be my going for an airline's interview and realizing out of the blue that I 'want' to finish my graduation degree, that there is something important that lies for me 'beyond' it! Like it isn't just a simple graduation but something far more important. I just hope I'm not imagining it all! What's even interesting is that inspite of being a distant learning student , a student who is pursuing her graduation through correspondence I have managed to receive sittings in a regular college. That means I'd finally fulfil my dream of actually attending several lectures a day, participating in discussions etc. English literatuare was too boring without it all :p
And yes lots of other things here and there. Would love to pen them down at some other time though.

Another very important decision that I made , I believe, was to order the "Course in Miracles" book...to decide to study the course and implement the teachings in my life. I learnt through the free Teleseminars I chose to attend or rather listen to ( organised by Rev. Jennifer Hadley - there were 8 speakers in all!) that the basic foundation for this course is "Forgiveness". I had been feeling the need to forgive ( I'm not quite sure who all ) and let go of all the clutter and I felt like this book could guide me and show me the path. I'm eagerly awaiting it's arrival. This decision I feel, will bring about some important changes.:D

Also, I'm happy to share that I have decided to attend the 6 day "Everything is Energy Summit being organized by David and Kristen Morelli.I must clarify that when I say attend I mean I'd be listening to the telecalls. These calls shall be free for 24 hours. Isn't that great? I'm hoping to make some interesting energy shifts and understand and clarify certain concepts during the upcoming 6 days ( from tomorrow onwards!) CaNt WaIt!! :D

Yesterday I ended up watching one of Lilou Mace's "Juicy living Tour" videos and I realized that that's "Exactly" what I have always wanted to do! I have long yearned to travel, I absolutely LOVE to talk to people from different cultures that have something interesting to share with me or teach me and in my idea book I had once jotted down that for me the perfect work would be one wherein I get to interview different authors, healers, metaphysical teachers, ordinary people with extraordinary stories etc such that I could share the same with people and help them grow just as much as I would grow. Gosh the very idea of the kind of learning I shall undergo if I were to do that makes my heart sing!!! I remember watching say two or three videos of her and I never liked them. I felt like she didn't believe in what she was saying and that she didn't have enough confidence. But when I heard one of her interviews yesterday I knew how mistaken I was. The woman has changed! From her energy to her face to her confidence...everything seems to have undergone a radical change and wow, you can't imagine the kind of hope that gave to me for myself!! I have her to thank for my return to this blog. In some mysterious way her persistance has filled me with a sense of awe and has made me believe in myself all the more. I have often thought of travelling around the world and interview the people I'd like to , people I think others could learn a lot from. Lilou's Juicy living tour has validated my dream for me. For a moment I thought to myself..."If she's already doing such a tour why would anyone care to be a part of the tour that I shall conduct? It then struck me that every flower has a different fragrance and that every human being has different gift. There are so many singers in the music industry. Would someone passionate about singing ever think of quitting it just because there's a lot many singers already available in the Movie Industry?


Until next time..
Stay blessed :)

The Ugly Duckling

"It's high time you become rational else you'd end up not making anything of your life"

and when I speak up for myself, a very defiant

"I know I'm right"

is added to rest the case.
Why was I told this and why is it that I'm getting to hear this phrase so often? I am a tad amused to note how when anyone in my family is a bit annoyed with me or is having an argument with me and wishes to have an upper hand, this is one of the best retorts that perhaps they can come up with. Or they'd tell me how I'd never make a "Career!" Oh how I hate this word career. Interesingly , that word has always reminded me of a "carrier!" These days one doesn't really get to see taxi's with a carrier in Delhi and one doesn't even call them taxi anymore, cab is the preferred name. But when I was say 8 yrs of age..a yellow black taxi with a carrier was all one usually got to see. It's something like this -->
And unlike this most of them would be loaded with suitcases or other stuff belonging to the passengers. Gradually as I grew up,while those taxi's began to disappear from the scene ( they may still be seen in some parts of India though), a new much hyped up and talked about word "career" began to emerge.Of course it was pretty much a part of the psyche of the people even before that but it is during my teens that I sensed how it kept trying to claw at my soul and grip it like it had possessed the souls of all students and teachers around me ( or that's how it seemed to me!)
It was all about how this course you do , that skill you learn would look good on your resume, how your highschool marks will decide your destiny and be the key to a good college, how you must study voraciously,exhaustively, endlessly and without questioning the course, the academic cirriculum so you may make something of your life, be someone great someday,become well known or get to be ahead of the race.You bet to be successful! Aha! Race, that's what it was then, that's what it is now and that's what it alway felt like. If you're a part of it and are acing your game, you're looked at it in awe or applauded but the flip side is you feel suffocated especially if you gradually gain awareness that this race is keeping you from truly knowing yourself and your potential, it is trying to label you as 'normal'.

Aye, this one fits, this one obeys, this one submits, this one doesn't make us look awkward by trying to question us and therefore threaten our position. Accepted

!

What? that one is trying to break away from the 'norm' , doesn't wish to follow the rules, how dare he/she call this a race -- this is Life!, lazy bunch of people...don't wanna do anything and so they go about tagging our way of living as a race..how do you think that makes 'us' look? ,I tell ya this one so doesn't care about a decent living, he'd mess up his life I bet, he's already made nothing of it --> Rebel --> Rejected!Outcast!Ugly duckling

I wish I could explain to the people worried about my reistance/hesitation over pursuing my graduation or doing an MA in the future ( I was, as per them, destined for a phd!) that I don't enjoy being clouded with doubts or not knowing what I really wish to do. It bothers me way more them it can ever bother them which is I know out of concern for me. And I appreciate all the concern but what i need is support and faith, not warning or caution boards/signals, understanding, not worry, a willingness to look at things from a different perspective!But well, I have to admit my conviction powers seemed to have dipped somewhat. You know how when you're convinced about something, it's like others pick up on that conviction, they sense it and can't bring themselves to raise a finger at you or question you. They too after a point affirm that you'd find your way. Try it sometime and you'd know what I mean. But when you are in doubt , when you yourself aren't pretty sure of your actions, well then the world mirrors you. It mirrors your self doubt and loss of confidence via people who'd not invest much faith in you or through situations where you'd end up cutting a sorry figure for yourself. Why do think I'm facing this situation with my family. Why do you think my brother said that to me?

I have tried to fit in and yet I know not why I always falter. No matter what the situation, I find it extremely hard to not follow the musings of my heart. It's not like I haven't tried to ignore the whispers or that I haven't tried being more rational. But to do that has often felt like an act of self destruction, its as if I was trying to withhold love from my own self, like i was trying to kill the sensitivity I was gifted with. Nopes, I ain't no psychic and yet I don't know why I feel like I've been brought to this scary stage in life because of that sensitive nature, that it has happened because I wasn't numb enough. You'd probably thing why am I in a tough situation when I already am following the call of my heart. Well, that's because while my inner voice does tell me what it doesn't want, I know not why it won't really tell me what it "does" want or maybe i just have to fine tune myself a bit to hear it! ! So it's like you’re hungry and you know don't want to have a chicken, pizza or burger but there are a hell lot of options and you aren't sure as to which dish out of the 100’s available on the menu would you like to order! Does that mean I’m doomed? Well, I hope not.I think I have something promise coming up for me tonight. Let's see how that'd go and I'd be happy to share more about it with you later.
(26th may, thursday, 8pm)

This may bring a smile on your face!

Being unwell today, I couldn't get around writing anything. Well, you'll hear much from me, there's a lot to come and endless number of things I wish to share and talk about.

Today, I'd like to put up a video which instantly puts a smile on my face owing to the oodles of cuteness exuded by this lovely kitten Tia. Of course I don't know hwer name,I just decided to give her one. It rhymes with my own nick name by the way! lol. The video is in slow motion just so you know.It is sure to affect your mood for the better :) I've tested it a few times and it always works for me. Check it out and you'd know what I mean.Oh and do not forget to observe your feelings. You may experience a subtle shift in your vibration ;)All in a matter of two minutes!

Life is strange and it's interesting how we change with the passing time. There was a time i didn't care much for cats but now I feel such love for them! Ah well, this is just a trailer, I sense a lot of change in store for me which means more growth and learning. I'm game for it! ;)

Time for a Cleanse

I know that there's a lot that is set to change for me internally and externally. It's something I can feel in my heart. Hmm,recall to your mind a tumbler which is full to the brim with fresh water and is therefore overflowing. What if the water in the tumbler gets muddied and pretty stale. Would you still use/keep it? What would you do? Yeah well, obviously you'll replace it with fresh water again. You'll 'rid' the tumbler of it's stale and muddied content ie the water lest it starts emanating a foul stench. Isn't it funny how we find it a but obvious thing to rid the tumbler of muddied water but when it comes to our ridding ourselves of our emotional, psychic and physical clutter, we're either indifferent or at a total loss or perhaps we're scared that it'd call for too much effort. I was thinking about it all for off late I have the word "clutter", 'cleansing' and 'healing' coming to my mind quite often. I have also been sensing a need and perhaps even a nudge to cleanse myself of as much clutter as I can. Once I get started I'd know how far I need to go. Also, I have been sensing a deep need to cleanse myself of all toxicity that may have gathered within my emotional body over the years. I wish to let go of all clutter, to heal, and to forgive. This in turn shall create the space and the setting for the entry of new opportunities, events and people in my life who in turn shall guide me towards realizing my deep wish of becoming all that I can be, of realizing my true potential.

A few hours ago I tuned into the live telecall of Arielle Ford called 'The Soulmate Secret'. It is a book she wrote about two years ago. Will talk more about the call in my next post. So, this and a few other calls I've had a chance to attend or listen to in the past few days ( Joan Ocean, Steve Rother, Colin Tipping, Jennifer Hadley, Eva and Jeannie) have amplified my desire to truly learn the Art of Manifestation. i remember how thrilled I was upon my discovery of the Law of Attraction a few years ago. However, I believe it's time to take to heart that which till date has been only some redundant intellectual knowledge. Part of the problem was that for quite a while I just couldn't figure if LOA is a true phenomenon or not. And now that I noticed a strange pattern around my studies emerge for the fourth time in 4 years, I got exasperated enough to feel that I really needed to change things, either that or I brace myself for unending series of depression and perhaps even insanity! It's strange how ever since I've dropped my exams ( not without some internal and external resistance) and decided to dedicate this time to internal change , so as to really figure out my true calling, passion or purpose, there's a plethora of free information/resources coming my way. I am deeply grateful for it all. But I have to confess I have also been feeling quite overwhelmed for I have so much going on in my head, thanks to this strange restlessness and sense of urgency I've been feeling for reason's I can't quite fathom. I feel this need to learn understand stuff as fast as possible but well learning happens at it's own pace, especially when it comes to spiritual matters! My only option is to persevere and keep doing as much work on myself as I can and see what answers and situations come to the fore for me.

Here are some tools that I believe shall be of much assistance to me in this journey of self discovery and understanding :-

1. Gratitude Journal


2. A Clicker ( for Prayers n to keep check on any negative thoughts)


3. Writing ( that's the purpose of this blog lol, it is important for me to express)


4. Tele calls


5. Books ( on Healing, Purpose,Prosperity, Law of Attraction/Manifestation, Forgiveness, Writing)


6. Mentoring ( currently I'm enrolled in Sark's Dream Boogie Program)


7. Affirmations ( I haven't prepared any so far but intend to do that soon)


8. Meditation ( have been running away from it for too long, ignoring all the nudges to do it, time to resort to the age old technique)

I shall add to this list as more handy tools come to mind and if I receive the guidance to use them.

A Scary Realization - Part 1

I am a bit surprised in this moment as I realize that life has been changing and yet not truly changing for me. Hours, days, weeks, months and years have passed. 4 years. Phew. That’s a long time especially when you feel like life is constantly bringing you at the same point where you stood last year and a year before that and so on. Of course I’ve had a chance to meet some new people during this period, or read a few good books, have even watched some cool movies, have had loads of interesting chats with people from different cultures online but if you look me in the eye and say ‘Mia, have you really moved closer to your purpose?’, I have no clue how to better answer that question then by saying “Wow, I really don’t know!” I really don’t feel like the bigger picture has changed, something feels stagnant here. The question is “WHAT?” What is this feeling that keeps bothering me? Why can’t I bring myself to say ‘oh yes of course! Things have changed magnificently and that I have in some way I’m sure moved closer to my calling/purpose?!

Why will I not feel this sense of discomfort when I realize that I haven’t gotten around manifesting any of the things I truly desired since the age of 18! The only big change I can think of and I’m grateful for is my having had an opportunity to pursue languages (last year) I intend to continue with them for they have given me the joy and helped me experience the change my university studies could not provide me with. And of course my adorable Laptop! Sometimes I wonder how I was even living without it. It gives me the privacy I don’t otherwise get in my home. The pleasure of just rambling on a Microsoft page and saving it on my desktop (out of sheer laziness to save it in a file) without worrying about someone reading it and mocking at me. Or of changing my screensaver (which currently is that of a lovely Dolphin) as often as I like or to whatever picture that speaks to me! Oh and yes, we moved away from our joint family and therefore from all the unwanted discords and I’m certainly grateful to God for that!!

It is only since May 10^th that new things seem to be finding their way in my life. New ideas, people, projects and perhaps even new dreams though that is yet to be figured out! I could have never imagined that I would have enough money to get mentored by a coach. Even though it’s not really one on one (heck that is too expensive a deal for now at least) I took a leap of faith and decided to invest all my liquid savings in it because the coach and her ideas, spoke to me in some way! This is my chance I thought to discover my dreams, to finally get into action. But alas, I having had my faith so shaken in the past can’t help feeling scared that this may just be another mirage, the one I chased with much hope every year, only to have it shaken yet again for something or the other new stuff was there in my life earlier as well but did it make me feel like I was living a life of purpose? No.

It’s funny how I kind of realize it every year during the summer vacation (May – June), but don’t quite end up doing anything effective about it. Imagine how that must make me feel in this moment!Though one thing is for sure, none of the previous May’s were as busy as this one. But does that really mean anything? I so hope it does. There’s another thought that has come forth as I write this...I have been running away from meditation, in spite of all the reminders or signs I was receiving. I won’t say I regret it because certain things are just meant to be but If there’s one thing my soul is telling me in this moment , it is this à Go deeper Mia.

(706 words)

Embracing the good me and the bad me!!

I'm writing in red so I'm able to better express my feelings coz I'm not sure why but in this moment I sense a lot of rage in me! All I wanna do is shout at the top of my lungs but alas I can't! It's midnight and everyone is asleep at my place. I don't want to give the jitters to my parents or freak out my sister who has already been finding it difficult to have a sound sleep off late coz she's mostly quite worried about her exam performance. Gosh! I so hate these prim and proper norms of this bloody conventional society that you have to follow!!!

I feel suffocated!!! It's as if my body is finding it hard to contain my soul and so is this three room house! Like I wish to expand but I am not being given space or much chance to. I have absolutely no clue what it is it that wishes so desperately to be out of me and whether it is something good or bad. It's like my emotions want to burst free but there are so many of them and I've been so good at keeping a check on them that if I let go now, that if I let that lid be removed , hell would be unleashed. I know not what comes out would be good or destructive or how it'll affect me and others! It isn't until now that I realized what a pleasure or release it could be to just break a few glass items or jump , push and shove stuff around you like a mad person but alas I can't do any of that either. RULES!! NORMS!!! Proper Behaviour!!! Oh how SICK I feel of it all.

For the first time I also feel tired of being so good to everyone, like that's all there is to me!
I am Sure that like every one else ( to hell with everyone else actually, why do I even need use that word, just so someone reading this article could agree with me??! Blah. ) I too have a Dark side, a so called Bad side. I don't know what it's like and now that I think of it I'm utterly amazed to realize that i've hardly ever hurt people or done mean things to them.Nopes, i must have forgotten them but there has to be mean things that I did too!! I mean yes I've retorted back to my parents in a heated argument with them and said things i regretted later, I'm pretty sure i've said mean and hurtful things to my sister in an attempt to get back to her for the nasty treatment she meted out to me or regardless, I hit the hand of the most talkative girl of a class with a scale a couple of times because I was the class monitor and I was irked at her for something mean she had said to me ( I was 6 then) , yes I told on a classfellow's back to a teacher and got her poem disqualified from a competition which hurt her for she had confided in me thinking I'd keep it to myself ( at 12 ) but there HAS to be more!!!!

Contrary to what others who may read this at some point of time may think in this moment, I can't believe I was so submissive and such a people pleaser! Okay, agreed that we all have our values and principles that we stick by, lessons we learn from and choose to not repeat or maybe we do! but I can't believe that all this goodness stemmed forth because I was an angel of mercy or some miraculous human as some of my friends like to believe. Of course as I write this I'm seriously wondering why I'm so willing to disbelieve in my inherent sense of goodness or why am I trying to convince myself of the contrary or why am I so angry and wishing to explore my dark side? ( though I don't even know what my dark side would exactly be like) Am I trying to have a pact with the devil? Hell not. But I do wish to draw a line between being good ( like when you do good deeds for the sake of them) and doing good deeds just so others would be more accepting of me or think highly of me or dole out favours to me at some point of time. A part of me was wondering why I wrote that favour line and is feeling criticized or embarassed but darn, I love the truth, I madly, deeply and utterly LOVE it. I may not have done something deliberately to get a favour but sometime or the other one does wonder about it and yes I've not liked it when that happened. I felt like i was trying to use the other person and that's exactly why I want to be extremely careful about falling into that trap. Sometimes it's So important to question our motives!

Some of my friends think of me as some Messiah, like the entire world could cuss and do shitty stuff or hurt their feelings and be mean to them but I never would. While a part of me simply revels in that kind of adoration and praise , there's this other part of me that wonders "Do they even realize the kind of "pressure" they put on me with such expectations?" It's one thing to not do something because that's not in sync with your usual behaviour but it's another thing to not to it because you're "not expected to!!" Restrictions. Oh the very prospect of breaking away from them greatly appeals to me! It's amazing how my jaw would probably get all locked up if I try cussing thanks to my set beliefs around it. I don't judge it when others swear ( though I used to ) but if I start doing that I know I'll sort of degrade in my own eyes! It's just my childhood conditioning. I am not aspiring to become bitchy or malicious but I feel as if the darkness in me wants to be just as easily embraced as the light or the goodness within me. Like it's imploring me to not reject it or turn away from it. Is that a good thing? or Is it something to worry about? I honestly don't know. All I intend to do is to explore who I am and accept whatever comes up for me on this journey for it is all a part of "ME". I can't reject the thorns and just keep the rose. Does a mother ever say "Oh I'd love to have a baby but please minus the birth pangs and labour pains from the process"? I realize that for a long time that's exactly what I was trying to do! For there's a little voice inside of me that tells me that without truly loving , embracing and understanding myself , I'd never really figure my Purpose.


P.S.- I think for the first time I've written something that carries more potential to shock people than please them.Yes!I love it.