I am a bit surprised in this moment as I realize that life has been changing and yet not truly changing for me. Hours, days, weeks, months and years have passed. 4 years. Phew. That’s a long time especially when you feel like life is constantly bringing you at the same point where you stood last year and a year before that and so on. Of course I’ve had a chance to meet some new people during this period, or read a few good books, have even watched some cool movies, have had loads of interesting chats with people from different cultures online but if you look me in the eye and say ‘Mia, have you really moved closer to your purpose?’, I have no clue how to better answer that question then by saying “Wow, I really don’t know!” I really don’t feel like the bigger picture has changed, something feels stagnant here. The question is “WHAT?” What is this feeling that keeps bothering me? Why can’t I bring myself to say ‘oh yes of course! Things have changed magnificently and that I have in some way I’m sure moved closer to my calling/purpose?!
Why will I not feel this sense of discomfort when I realize that I haven’t gotten around manifesting any of the things I truly desired since the age of 18! The only big change I can think of and I’m grateful for is my having had an opportunity to pursue languages (last year) I intend to continue with them for they have given me the joy and helped me experience the change my university studies could not provide me with. And of course my adorable Laptop! Sometimes I wonder how I was even living without it. It gives me the privacy I don’t otherwise get in my home. The pleasure of just rambling on a Microsoft page and saving it on my desktop (out of sheer laziness to save it in a file) without worrying about someone reading it and mocking at me. Or of changing my screensaver (which currently is that of a lovely Dolphin) as often as I like or to whatever picture that speaks to me! Oh and yes, we moved away from our joint family and therefore from all the unwanted discords and I’m certainly grateful to God for that!!
It is only since May 10th that new things seem to be finding their way in my life. New ideas, people, projects and perhaps even new dreams though that is yet to be figured out! I could have never imagined that I would have enough money to get mentored by a coach. Even though it’s not really one on one (heck that is too expensive a deal for now at least) I took a leap of faith and decided to invest all my liquid savings in it because the coach and her ideas, spoke to me in some way! This is my chance I thought to discover my dreams, to finally get into action. But alas, I having had my faith so shaken in the past can’t help feeling scared that this may just be another mirage, the one I chased with much hope every year, only to have it shaken yet again for something or the other new stuff was there in my life earlier as well but did it make me feel like I was living a life of purpose? No.
It’s funny how I kind of realize it every year during the summer vacation (May – June), but don’t quite end up doing anything effective about it. Imagine how that must make me feel in this moment!Though one thing is for sure, none of the previous May’s were as busy as this one. But does that really mean anything? I so hope it does. There’s another thought that has come forth as I write this...I have been running away from meditation, in spite of all the reminders or signs I was receiving. I won’t say I regret it because certain things are just meant to be but If there’s one thing my soul is telling me in this moment , it is this à Go deeper Mia.
(706 words)
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