I'm writing in red so I'm able to better express my feelings coz I'm not sure why but in this moment I sense a lot of rage in me! All I wanna do is shout at the top of my lungs but alas I can't! It's midnight and everyone is asleep at my place. I don't want to give the jitters to my parents or freak out my sister who has already been finding it difficult to have a sound sleep off late coz she's mostly quite worried about her exam performance. Gosh! I so hate these prim and proper norms of this bloody conventional society that you have to follow!!!
I feel suffocated!!! It's as if my body is finding it hard to contain my soul and so is this three room house! Like I wish to expand but I am not being given space or much chance to. I have absolutely no clue what it is it that wishes so desperately to be out of me and whether it is something good or bad. It's like my emotions want to burst free but there are so many of them and I've been so good at keeping a check on them that if I let go now, that if I let that lid be removed , hell would be unleashed. I know not what comes out would be good or destructive or how it'll affect me and others! It isn't until now that I realized what a pleasure or release it could be to just break a few glass items or jump , push and shove stuff around you like a mad person but alas I can't do any of that either. RULES!! NORMS!!! Proper Behaviour!!! Oh how SICK I feel of it all.
For the first time I also feel tired of being so good to everyone, like that's all there is to me!
I am Sure that like every one else ( to hell with everyone else actually, why do I even need use that word, just so someone reading this article could agree with me??! Blah. ) I too have a Dark side, a so called Bad side. I don't know what it's like and now that I think of it I'm utterly amazed to realize that i've hardly ever hurt people or done mean things to them.Nopes, i must have forgotten them but there has to be mean things that I did too!! I mean yes I've retorted back to my parents in a heated argument with them and said things i regretted later, I'm pretty sure i've said mean and hurtful things to my sister in an attempt to get back to her for the nasty treatment she meted out to me or regardless, I hit the hand of the most talkative girl of a class with a scale a couple of times because I was the class monitor and I was irked at her for something mean she had said to me ( I was 6 then) , yes I told on a classfellow's back to a teacher and got her poem disqualified from a competition which hurt her for she had confided in me thinking I'd keep it to myself ( at 12 ) but there HAS to be more!!!!
Contrary to what others who may read this at some point of time may think in this moment, I can't believe I was so submissive and such a people pleaser! Okay, agreed that we all have our values and principles that we stick by, lessons we learn from and choose to not repeat or maybe we do! but I can't believe that all this goodness stemmed forth because I was an angel of mercy or some miraculous human as some of my friends like to believe. Of course as I write this I'm seriously wondering why I'm so willing to disbelieve in my inherent sense of goodness or why am I trying to convince myself of the contrary or why am I so angry and wishing to explore my dark side? ( though I don't even know what my dark side would exactly be like) Am I trying to have a pact with the devil? Hell not. But I do wish to draw a line between being good ( like when you do good deeds for the sake of them) and doing good deeds just so others would be more accepting of me or think highly of me or dole out favours to me at some point of time. A part of me was wondering why I wrote that favour line and is feeling criticized or embarassed but darn, I love the truth, I madly, deeply and utterly LOVE it. I may not have done something deliberately to get a favour but sometime or the other one does wonder about it and yes I've not liked it when that happened. I felt like i was trying to use the other person and that's exactly why I want to be extremely careful about falling into that trap. Sometimes it's So important to question our motives!
Some of my friends think of me as some Messiah, like the entire world could cuss and do shitty stuff or hurt their feelings and be mean to them but I never would. While a part of me simply revels in that kind of adoration and praise , there's this other part of me that wonders "Do they even realize the kind of "pressure" they put on me with such expectations?" It's one thing to not do something because that's not in sync with your usual behaviour but it's another thing to not to it because you're "not expected to!!" Restrictions. Oh the very prospect of breaking away from them greatly appeals to me! It's amazing how my jaw would probably get all locked up if I try cussing thanks to my set beliefs around it. I don't judge it when others swear ( though I used to ) but if I start doing that I know I'll sort of degrade in my own eyes! It's just my childhood conditioning. I am not aspiring to become bitchy or malicious but I feel as if the darkness in me wants to be just as easily embraced as the light or the goodness within me. Like it's imploring me to not reject it or turn away from it. Is that a good thing? or Is it something to worry about? I honestly don't know. All I intend to do is to explore who I am and accept whatever comes up for me on this journey for it is all a part of "ME". I can't reject the thorns and just keep the rose. Does a mother ever say "Oh I'd love to have a baby but please minus the birth pangs and labour pains from the process"? I realize that for a long time that's exactly what I was trying to do! For there's a little voice inside of me that tells me that without truly loving , embracing and understanding myself , I'd never really figure my Purpose.
P.S.- I think for the first time I've written something that carries more potential to shock people than please them.Yes!I love it.
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