The Ugly Duckling

"It's high time you become rational else you'd end up not making anything of your life"

and when I speak up for myself, a very defiant

"I know I'm right"

is added to rest the case.
Why was I told this and why is it that I'm getting to hear this phrase so often? I am a tad amused to note how when anyone in my family is a bit annoyed with me or is having an argument with me and wishes to have an upper hand, this is one of the best retorts that perhaps they can come up with. Or they'd tell me how I'd never make a "Career!" Oh how I hate this word career. Interesingly , that word has always reminded me of a "carrier!" These days one doesn't really get to see taxi's with a carrier in Delhi and one doesn't even call them taxi anymore, cab is the preferred name. But when I was say 8 yrs of age..a yellow black taxi with a carrier was all one usually got to see. It's something like this -->
And unlike this most of them would be loaded with suitcases or other stuff belonging to the passengers. Gradually as I grew up,while those taxi's began to disappear from the scene ( they may still be seen in some parts of India though), a new much hyped up and talked about word "career" began to emerge.Of course it was pretty much a part of the psyche of the people even before that but it is during my teens that I sensed how it kept trying to claw at my soul and grip it like it had possessed the souls of all students and teachers around me ( or that's how it seemed to me!)
It was all about how this course you do , that skill you learn would look good on your resume, how your highschool marks will decide your destiny and be the key to a good college, how you must study voraciously,exhaustively, endlessly and without questioning the course, the academic cirriculum so you may make something of your life, be someone great someday,become well known or get to be ahead of the race.You bet to be successful! Aha! Race, that's what it was then, that's what it is now and that's what it alway felt like. If you're a part of it and are acing your game, you're looked at it in awe or applauded but the flip side is you feel suffocated especially if you gradually gain awareness that this race is keeping you from truly knowing yourself and your potential, it is trying to label you as 'normal'.

Aye, this one fits, this one obeys, this one submits, this one doesn't make us look awkward by trying to question us and therefore threaten our position. Accepted

!

What? that one is trying to break away from the 'norm' , doesn't wish to follow the rules, how dare he/she call this a race -- this is Life!, lazy bunch of people...don't wanna do anything and so they go about tagging our way of living as a race..how do you think that makes 'us' look? ,I tell ya this one so doesn't care about a decent living, he'd mess up his life I bet, he's already made nothing of it --> Rebel --> Rejected!Outcast!Ugly duckling

I wish I could explain to the people worried about my reistance/hesitation over pursuing my graduation or doing an MA in the future ( I was, as per them, destined for a phd!) that I don't enjoy being clouded with doubts or not knowing what I really wish to do. It bothers me way more them it can ever bother them which is I know out of concern for me. And I appreciate all the concern but what i need is support and faith, not warning or caution boards/signals, understanding, not worry, a willingness to look at things from a different perspective!But well, I have to admit my conviction powers seemed to have dipped somewhat. You know how when you're convinced about something, it's like others pick up on that conviction, they sense it and can't bring themselves to raise a finger at you or question you. They too after a point affirm that you'd find your way. Try it sometime and you'd know what I mean. But when you are in doubt , when you yourself aren't pretty sure of your actions, well then the world mirrors you. It mirrors your self doubt and loss of confidence via people who'd not invest much faith in you or through situations where you'd end up cutting a sorry figure for yourself. Why do think I'm facing this situation with my family. Why do you think my brother said that to me?

I have tried to fit in and yet I know not why I always falter. No matter what the situation, I find it extremely hard to not follow the musings of my heart. It's not like I haven't tried to ignore the whispers or that I haven't tried being more rational. But to do that has often felt like an act of self destruction, its as if I was trying to withhold love from my own self, like i was trying to kill the sensitivity I was gifted with. Nopes, I ain't no psychic and yet I don't know why I feel like I've been brought to this scary stage in life because of that sensitive nature, that it has happened because I wasn't numb enough. You'd probably thing why am I in a tough situation when I already am following the call of my heart. Well, that's because while my inner voice does tell me what it doesn't want, I know not why it won't really tell me what it "does" want or maybe i just have to fine tune myself a bit to hear it! ! So it's like you’re hungry and you know don't want to have a chicken, pizza or burger but there are a hell lot of options and you aren't sure as to which dish out of the 100’s available on the menu would you like to order! Does that mean I’m doomed? Well, I hope not.I think I have something promise coming up for me tonight. Let's see how that'd go and I'd be happy to share more about it with you later.
(26th may, thursday, 8pm)

This may bring a smile on your face!

Being unwell today, I couldn't get around writing anything. Well, you'll hear much from me, there's a lot to come and endless number of things I wish to share and talk about.

Today, I'd like to put up a video which instantly puts a smile on my face owing to the oodles of cuteness exuded by this lovely kitten Tia. Of course I don't know hwer name,I just decided to give her one. It rhymes with my own nick name by the way! lol. The video is in slow motion just so you know.It is sure to affect your mood for the better :) I've tested it a few times and it always works for me. Check it out and you'd know what I mean.Oh and do not forget to observe your feelings. You may experience a subtle shift in your vibration ;)All in a matter of two minutes!

Life is strange and it's interesting how we change with the passing time. There was a time i didn't care much for cats but now I feel such love for them! Ah well, this is just a trailer, I sense a lot of change in store for me which means more growth and learning. I'm game for it! ;)

Time for a Cleanse

I know that there's a lot that is set to change for me internally and externally. It's something I can feel in my heart. Hmm,recall to your mind a tumbler which is full to the brim with fresh water and is therefore overflowing. What if the water in the tumbler gets muddied and pretty stale. Would you still use/keep it? What would you do? Yeah well, obviously you'll replace it with fresh water again. You'll 'rid' the tumbler of it's stale and muddied content ie the water lest it starts emanating a foul stench. Isn't it funny how we find it a but obvious thing to rid the tumbler of muddied water but when it comes to our ridding ourselves of our emotional, psychic and physical clutter, we're either indifferent or at a total loss or perhaps we're scared that it'd call for too much effort. I was thinking about it all for off late I have the word "clutter", 'cleansing' and 'healing' coming to my mind quite often. I have also been sensing a need and perhaps even a nudge to cleanse myself of as much clutter as I can. Once I get started I'd know how far I need to go. Also, I have been sensing a deep need to cleanse myself of all toxicity that may have gathered within my emotional body over the years. I wish to let go of all clutter, to heal, and to forgive. This in turn shall create the space and the setting for the entry of new opportunities, events and people in my life who in turn shall guide me towards realizing my deep wish of becoming all that I can be, of realizing my true potential.

A few hours ago I tuned into the live telecall of Arielle Ford called 'The Soulmate Secret'. It is a book she wrote about two years ago. Will talk more about the call in my next post. So, this and a few other calls I've had a chance to attend or listen to in the past few days ( Joan Ocean, Steve Rother, Colin Tipping, Jennifer Hadley, Eva and Jeannie) have amplified my desire to truly learn the Art of Manifestation. i remember how thrilled I was upon my discovery of the Law of Attraction a few years ago. However, I believe it's time to take to heart that which till date has been only some redundant intellectual knowledge. Part of the problem was that for quite a while I just couldn't figure if LOA is a true phenomenon or not. And now that I noticed a strange pattern around my studies emerge for the fourth time in 4 years, I got exasperated enough to feel that I really needed to change things, either that or I brace myself for unending series of depression and perhaps even insanity! It's strange how ever since I've dropped my exams ( not without some internal and external resistance) and decided to dedicate this time to internal change , so as to really figure out my true calling, passion or purpose, there's a plethora of free information/resources coming my way. I am deeply grateful for it all. But I have to confess I have also been feeling quite overwhelmed for I have so much going on in my head, thanks to this strange restlessness and sense of urgency I've been feeling for reason's I can't quite fathom. I feel this need to learn understand stuff as fast as possible but well learning happens at it's own pace, especially when it comes to spiritual matters! My only option is to persevere and keep doing as much work on myself as I can and see what answers and situations come to the fore for me.

Here are some tools that I believe shall be of much assistance to me in this journey of self discovery and understanding :-

1. Gratitude Journal


2. A Clicker ( for Prayers n to keep check on any negative thoughts)


3. Writing ( that's the purpose of this blog lol, it is important for me to express)


4. Tele calls


5. Books ( on Healing, Purpose,Prosperity, Law of Attraction/Manifestation, Forgiveness, Writing)


6. Mentoring ( currently I'm enrolled in Sark's Dream Boogie Program)


7. Affirmations ( I haven't prepared any so far but intend to do that soon)


8. Meditation ( have been running away from it for too long, ignoring all the nudges to do it, time to resort to the age old technique)

I shall add to this list as more handy tools come to mind and if I receive the guidance to use them.

A Scary Realization - Part 1

I am a bit surprised in this moment as I realize that life has been changing and yet not truly changing for me. Hours, days, weeks, months and years have passed. 4 years. Phew. That’s a long time especially when you feel like life is constantly bringing you at the same point where you stood last year and a year before that and so on. Of course I’ve had a chance to meet some new people during this period, or read a few good books, have even watched some cool movies, have had loads of interesting chats with people from different cultures online but if you look me in the eye and say ‘Mia, have you really moved closer to your purpose?’, I have no clue how to better answer that question then by saying “Wow, I really don’t know!” I really don’t feel like the bigger picture has changed, something feels stagnant here. The question is “WHAT?” What is this feeling that keeps bothering me? Why can’t I bring myself to say ‘oh yes of course! Things have changed magnificently and that I have in some way I’m sure moved closer to my calling/purpose?!

Why will I not feel this sense of discomfort when I realize that I haven’t gotten around manifesting any of the things I truly desired since the age of 18! The only big change I can think of and I’m grateful for is my having had an opportunity to pursue languages (last year) I intend to continue with them for they have given me the joy and helped me experience the change my university studies could not provide me with. And of course my adorable Laptop! Sometimes I wonder how I was even living without it. It gives me the privacy I don’t otherwise get in my home. The pleasure of just rambling on a Microsoft page and saving it on my desktop (out of sheer laziness to save it in a file) without worrying about someone reading it and mocking at me. Or of changing my screensaver (which currently is that of a lovely Dolphin) as often as I like or to whatever picture that speaks to me! Oh and yes, we moved away from our joint family and therefore from all the unwanted discords and I’m certainly grateful to God for that!!

It is only since May 10^th that new things seem to be finding their way in my life. New ideas, people, projects and perhaps even new dreams though that is yet to be figured out! I could have never imagined that I would have enough money to get mentored by a coach. Even though it’s not really one on one (heck that is too expensive a deal for now at least) I took a leap of faith and decided to invest all my liquid savings in it because the coach and her ideas, spoke to me in some way! This is my chance I thought to discover my dreams, to finally get into action. But alas, I having had my faith so shaken in the past can’t help feeling scared that this may just be another mirage, the one I chased with much hope every year, only to have it shaken yet again for something or the other new stuff was there in my life earlier as well but did it make me feel like I was living a life of purpose? No.

It’s funny how I kind of realize it every year during the summer vacation (May – June), but don’t quite end up doing anything effective about it. Imagine how that must make me feel in this moment!Though one thing is for sure, none of the previous May’s were as busy as this one. But does that really mean anything? I so hope it does. There’s another thought that has come forth as I write this...I have been running away from meditation, in spite of all the reminders or signs I was receiving. I won’t say I regret it because certain things are just meant to be but If there’s one thing my soul is telling me in this moment , it is this à Go deeper Mia.

(706 words)

Embracing the good me and the bad me!!

I'm writing in red so I'm able to better express my feelings coz I'm not sure why but in this moment I sense a lot of rage in me! All I wanna do is shout at the top of my lungs but alas I can't! It's midnight and everyone is asleep at my place. I don't want to give the jitters to my parents or freak out my sister who has already been finding it difficult to have a sound sleep off late coz she's mostly quite worried about her exam performance. Gosh! I so hate these prim and proper norms of this bloody conventional society that you have to follow!!!

I feel suffocated!!! It's as if my body is finding it hard to contain my soul and so is this three room house! Like I wish to expand but I am not being given space or much chance to. I have absolutely no clue what it is it that wishes so desperately to be out of me and whether it is something good or bad. It's like my emotions want to burst free but there are so many of them and I've been so good at keeping a check on them that if I let go now, that if I let that lid be removed , hell would be unleashed. I know not what comes out would be good or destructive or how it'll affect me and others! It isn't until now that I realized what a pleasure or release it could be to just break a few glass items or jump , push and shove stuff around you like a mad person but alas I can't do any of that either. RULES!! NORMS!!! Proper Behaviour!!! Oh how SICK I feel of it all.

For the first time I also feel tired of being so good to everyone, like that's all there is to me!
I am Sure that like every one else ( to hell with everyone else actually, why do I even need use that word, just so someone reading this article could agree with me??! Blah. ) I too have a Dark side, a so called Bad side. I don't know what it's like and now that I think of it I'm utterly amazed to realize that i've hardly ever hurt people or done mean things to them.Nopes, i must have forgotten them but there has to be mean things that I did too!! I mean yes I've retorted back to my parents in a heated argument with them and said things i regretted later, I'm pretty sure i've said mean and hurtful things to my sister in an attempt to get back to her for the nasty treatment she meted out to me or regardless, I hit the hand of the most talkative girl of a class with a scale a couple of times because I was the class monitor and I was irked at her for something mean she had said to me ( I was 6 then) , yes I told on a classfellow's back to a teacher and got her poem disqualified from a competition which hurt her for she had confided in me thinking I'd keep it to myself ( at 12 ) but there HAS to be more!!!!

Contrary to what others who may read this at some point of time may think in this moment, I can't believe I was so submissive and such a people pleaser! Okay, agreed that we all have our values and principles that we stick by, lessons we learn from and choose to not repeat or maybe we do! but I can't believe that all this goodness stemmed forth because I was an angel of mercy or some miraculous human as some of my friends like to believe. Of course as I write this I'm seriously wondering why I'm so willing to disbelieve in my inherent sense of goodness or why am I trying to convince myself of the contrary or why am I so angry and wishing to explore my dark side? ( though I don't even know what my dark side would exactly be like) Am I trying to have a pact with the devil? Hell not. But I do wish to draw a line between being good ( like when you do good deeds for the sake of them) and doing good deeds just so others would be more accepting of me or think highly of me or dole out favours to me at some point of time. A part of me was wondering why I wrote that favour line and is feeling criticized or embarassed but darn, I love the truth, I madly, deeply and utterly LOVE it. I may not have done something deliberately to get a favour but sometime or the other one does wonder about it and yes I've not liked it when that happened. I felt like i was trying to use the other person and that's exactly why I want to be extremely careful about falling into that trap. Sometimes it's So important to question our motives!

Some of my friends think of me as some Messiah, like the entire world could cuss and do shitty stuff or hurt their feelings and be mean to them but I never would. While a part of me simply revels in that kind of adoration and praise , there's this other part of me that wonders "Do they even realize the kind of "pressure" they put on me with such expectations?" It's one thing to not do something because that's not in sync with your usual behaviour but it's another thing to not to it because you're "not expected to!!" Restrictions. Oh the very prospect of breaking away from them greatly appeals to me! It's amazing how my jaw would probably get all locked up if I try cussing thanks to my set beliefs around it. I don't judge it when others swear ( though I used to ) but if I start doing that I know I'll sort of degrade in my own eyes! It's just my childhood conditioning. I am not aspiring to become bitchy or malicious but I feel as if the darkness in me wants to be just as easily embraced as the light or the goodness within me. Like it's imploring me to not reject it or turn away from it. Is that a good thing? or Is it something to worry about? I honestly don't know. All I intend to do is to explore who I am and accept whatever comes up for me on this journey for it is all a part of "ME". I can't reject the thorns and just keep the rose. Does a mother ever say "Oh I'd love to have a baby but please minus the birth pangs and labour pains from the process"? I realize that for a long time that's exactly what I was trying to do! For there's a little voice inside of me that tells me that without truly loving , embracing and understanding myself , I'd never really figure my Purpose.


P.S.- I think for the first time I've written something that carries more potential to shock people than please them.Yes!I love it.