A Yearning and a Desire

I can't even begin to voice in words the sort of helplessness i feel off late to just do something that makes my life count, something that transforms my life and transmutates my circumstances into gold.  I'm thrilled to have gotten out of that 5 year long cycle of depression and I shall never wish something so painful upon anyone..if I were to have any enemies ( i hope not for in the end it'd harm my health and wealth being) not even on them.

I have yearned to find answers and have searched desperately for them from website to website, article to article. At times i was exasperated and there was a time i was convinced and had left the so called metaphysical world. But i don't quite remember how i got lulled back into it. Maybe it is indeed the calling of my soul? to find these answers? Oh but it's a frustrating process at times. And I sure get impatient.

I do wish to offer my gratitute to God for ending a painful episode in my life. With depression gone , I can now focus on ridding myself of certain unconstructive habits and inculcating new and healthy ones.
I have already started with Yoga , feb 20 th onwards and it really does feel awesome to be doing something for my own well being , its my way of expressing my love for my body, something I neglected for a long long time!

I have a dear friends Birthday tomorrow. She's been a blessing to me and I shall always love her . She was there for me during my hard times and was a source of constant support for which i'd be eternally grateful. We sort of grew distant in the past few months but i'm glad to be meeting her tomorrow.
What gift should I give her? I kept asking myself. And yes there were a few objects or things that came to my mind but what I deeply yearn to gift to a friend so endeared is the gift of limitless, magical life.

Yes, I wish I could gift each of my friends the ability to live their lives to the fullest , to tap the hidden potential within them and to fulfil their dreams no matter how grand they be. I don't feel content in referring any of my good friends to some random teacher ( not that i'm against that) but wish to teach them lovingly that they do possess the power to live a magical and exceptional life. I do have however one limitation.
I'm yet to do the same myself! I must learn first what i so yearn to teach and that's exactly what drives me so impatient. For i keep wondering how I'm to go about it all, how I'm to learn the tricks of transforming human lives. Can I do it? Do I have it in me? I need to become self reliant and self confident first , only then can i even imagine going further in the direction of my dreams.

How am I That?

Whoh! It's been a while since I wrote anything here!

When will I let go of the perfectionism and just allow myself to write? , I sometimes ask myself in utter exasperation. I sure am getting better now, I know that in my bones, so I'm hopeful. And I intend to take mini steps towards the destination "Giving myself the permission to write and to enjoy the process".

There's much learning that has happened for me in the past few months but I always kept looking for some other better day/better mood to report it all in my blog. I wish to write it so I don't forget ( and that's somehow very important for me I' not sure why) and so I be grateful for the journey and if in the future someone ever taps on my shoulder and asks me about the 'process' , I may be able to give that soul "some" good , useful, constructive guidance. I'm kind of trying to make a 'route map' here. :)

So I thought so what if I can't write regularly for now..I could try sharing/recording mini nuggets of wisdom that I like collecting from different sources..for myself and for my readers :)

Here's one I liked for the concept of mirroring fascinates me ( for now) to no end!

P.S. - This excerpt  is from the book "The Power of Full Engagement" by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz

Where did those days go?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJOn8PVBGqY&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLF72B24B26E991AA9

There's a question I tend to ask myself at times..."When will you really start living?" Does something stop me from living the life of my dreams? No one save me myself I guess. I seem to be creating a history of unfinished businesses in my life, not so much with people as much as with my own self. I know it shouldn't be such a big deal if i start something, feel bored , decide to leave it and then experiment with something new. But it still hurts somewhere I'm not sure why. And what's more is that I don't seem to have truly learnt from it...instead I often witness myself creating more obstacles for myself, for my own journey. Not a very wise thing to do for sure. I know it but do I really understand it?


A dear friend spoke to me of a colleague of his today that he really looks upto. This person hails from a different state and has been living on his own ever since the age of 13! And not only did this guy complete his graduation and post graduation but has also learnt several interesting skills along the way, guitaring, drumming, web designing, journalism (he's been published a few times) being some of them! Oh and he's also into tune composing, singing and song writing. Wow! , I exclaimed. "How do people do it?", I wondered. My friend mentioned that compared to him he feels like a talentless idiot. And then I was reminded of how talented a kid I was back in school."What became of all that talent and all those skills?" , I questioned myself inwardly.


Just sometimes it feels like life got jinxed at 16 and there on what i witnessed was mostly a downward spiral be it academically or emotionally. Of course I'm grateful to have matured so much since then. I'm no more as dependent on others emotionally as I was then. But of course that phase taught me a lot and led me into a new direction of thinking and got me interested in reading. I wonder why end no. of times, I have thought of different things that I could possibly do to earn some extra bucks or good money from and just always I right them off without really trying them! 'What am I scared of?" , I'm forced to ask myself. Or maybe I'm just plain scared..of the idea of bearing the responsibility of my choices and hence choose to play safe all the times. Now the only problem with that is that it makes life really boring!!


Be it the idea of creating my own german youtube channel, or starting my book business almost with no cost involved or of joining an NGO to gain a sense of satisfaction or of learning some new computer skills or teaching german at some random institute, I seem to have not gotten around doing any of these things. I can't help but wonder if all i did was to grow into a thinker or even worst a dreamer who didn't quite learn the art of "Doing"!!!! I feel like more than anything I need to learn to be a doer! I need to "Do" the things that i know will assist me in changing my life. But 'How"? Life is short, I must get started now , before it's too late.

Take my hand, lead me on...

Let us be silent that we may hear the whispers of the Gods - Ralph Waldo Emmerson


Dear God, I need you to hold my hand and lead me...show me the way for without it I'm not sure I can go on. No, I don't feel depressed, just restless and sometimes...tired, tired of seeing myself move around in circles, repeating the same mistakes/patterns over n over, taking myself on guilt trips, doubting myself, not having enough faith/trust in my own potential or in you I'm sorry to say. Never feeling sure as to where I'm heading or which way I'm really supposed to head!

For a month I had a smooth ride, as in I was learning, growing , feeling good and also witnessing changes. But then out of the blue I stopped writing in my gratitude journal, I don't feel like listening to any tele calls anymore ( it feels tiring to do so) and since my classes have started that constant fear around "oh what's my career supposed to be like, I wanna be successful blah blah seems to be flooding my mind!
I don't know if I could do this until last year but now it's like I'm almost always observing my behaviour, sometimes my thoughts too and wondering "what the hell am I doing", well yeah I haven't reached a stage wherein I could witness myself committing a mistake and be all loving and accepting towards myself. No wonder I'm not able to be that way towards others either, not as much as I'd like to! Sometimes I can see me ( meaning observe me) going on with a string of judgements against others and simultaneously or after a minute or so I'm reminded of Jennifer Hadley's talk around the course in Miracles and how even a single judgement no matter whom it is passed towards is unhealthy. I'm aware of being 'jugdemental' and yet I'm not sure how to not do so!

My Course in Miracles book has finally arrived. I just started reading it yesterday and have finished two chapters so far. I don't think I would have written this post, were it not for my prayer to God or the Higher Force out there to help me rid myself of this heaviness and pain I've been sensing in my chest and a sincere request to help me release my creativity. What's really weird is that I've had a "you should blog about this or that" voice running in my head several times during a day for quite as while now but I'm not sure exactly what kept me from paying heed to it?! I don't know why I have running away from writing. I've seen time and again that this sort of writing wherein I could share or just jot down my feelings and thoughts helps me and yet I don't fully believe in it's healing power!! And yet I write for this voice in me asks me to! Even in this moment, I can feel a shift in my energy after having expressed whatever i have so far.

God, I need you , your help, guidance and support to continue writing on this blog, to not give up hope in myself or get discouraged by the repetitious useless patterns I see myself running in my head and in my life. I need your help in uncluttering my mind and my life. I am not into substance abuse or any self destructive habits per say but doubt, confusion, lack of self love , belief and acceptance, impatience....what could be more destructive than these? If people who form a part of my life ie my friends and class mates ( i'd not include family here) were to read it they'd wonder about the validity of these words for the 'Me' they see is very different and yes that's very much a part of me too but this me exists as well! Ah, how tiring it is to wear a mask ( persona, as Jung would have called it!) and yet it's required at least at this stage. And God, I need your encouragement to be able to unleash my creaitivity. It suddenly dawned on me a short while ago that I haven't done anything creative in ages! I have even doubted for a while now if I'm creative at all but thanks to a reading of a "Course in Miracles", I learnt that we all ARE creative by virtue of being creations of the Creator. It is as natural for us to create as it was and is for him. Creativity maybe suppressed but it is never lost. So help me discover it yet again in my life God. By the time this year ends, I really do wish to witness some substantial changes in my life particularly pertaining to my way of thinking for everything is first created in the mind.


From the details of the 2nd World War to the Power of the Mind, from Jungian concepts and theories to the renowned Philosophers like Kafka and Nietzsche, from the famous literary works to the deep spiritual writings of Mary Baker Eddy,Florence Shinn,Emmerson Ernest Holmes (Science of the Mind) and Carolyn Myss's concept of "Energy Anatomy". From languages like German, Russian and a few others to their culture and lifestyle, I feel a deep yearning and aching hunger to familiarise myself with it all!!! But I need your help with finishing my graduation successfully for I've begun to feel like it's a sort of project I need to finish and that there's something that awaits me beyond my finish line. What I lack isn't the talent or ability, that was never the case, it is motivation and self belief that I need to finish this distant learning degree. Help me so I don't curse the educational system and instead be able to see the blessing ingrained in this situation, the lesson I could learn here!

A step towards Embracing my Sexuality.

Hmm...So I wrote you guys a long and amazing post on the Everything is Energy Summit that has begun yesterday but I guess the Universe didn't find it good enough and whoosh , the moment I clicked on publish, I got logged out of blogger and the post was gone :P That sucks but what I really liked is that for the first time I reacted very calmly, I was , much to my surprise, unperturbed. I've lost posts in the past and I know how crazy that drove me, how I'd be all over the place in panic n how upset and above all agitated I would feel on account of it. If anything, the Universe has actually helped me that I really am learning! Wow :) First time ever , an "I can write it again, no problem" reaction to a lost post. This date needs to go down in the glorious pages of the history of my life! :P

I would meanwhile love to share with you a video I watched yesterday that helped me learn about the importance of embracing one's sexuality. Now this is was a very important video for me coz I, having been a tomboy until teenage have never really known how to accept my feminity or what it even means to do so. I've never worn a dress except once and I looked so pretty that I began to feel uncomfortable. I'm the kind of person who'd dress a bit low key so as to not catch much attention such that when I do dress up for a party or function people are often suprised. I have lots of guys as friends but I could never feel connection enough to take things a step further with them. They say "Everything is Energy" and so I've been trying to figure out what exactly one needs to do, how one needs to feel or behave so as to attract her perfect match ;)I so don't feel any impatience to find my guy , just some times I ponder over how wonderful it'll be to find my match and how much we could learn together. This video is a step in that direction I guess? :P And yeah this interview by Lilou sure gave me some insight into the issue I've avoided for long --- Sex n Sexuality! Merci Madame Mace! :) I'd be on the look out for more insightful resources on the same in addition to other subjects ;)

Five years ago I developed this acne issue and while the first two years were worse and I literally cried at the condition of my face , its surely gotten better with time. By now, I'm somewhat aware that it's surely an emotional issue.No, I never took any medicines! I was determined to heal it myself :P So i'm sharing this coz earlier I thought that it was acne that kept me from finding my right guy but lol that was so NOT true. Coz everything is energy! It's not what you are as much as what you're being that matters!
A long time back when I tried finding the metaphyscial or spiritual reason for acne I got Lack of self love and self criticism as the answer. On some level i find that to be true and realize that there's a lot more work I need to do in that direction. I have been a perfectionist always and a hard task master. It's time to change all that.




I'm reminded of another call i watched post Lilou's video. This too proved helpful.
Do check it out at http://www.everythingisenergy.com/radio-show/ Listen to the fifth show under "Top shows you must listen to" . It's titled "Special Sexperts - World changing Orgasms"
http://www.everythingisenergy.com/radio-show/

I am Back!

Dear Readers,

Forgive me for my absence for the past 2 months. I shall hereby try and record events from my life on a more frequent basis for the sole purpose behind the creation of this blog is to track my growth and to help others by helping myself. Post witnessing all that I've gone through during the past 60 days ( I'm writing this post after an exact gap of 2 months lol) I sincerely believe that my life will and is changing for the better. Of course I am struck with self doubt from time to time. I , after all, have a lot of work to do on myself but I sure intend to enjoy the journey regardless of the ups and downs which are sure to come as certain patterns get dissolved I guess.

So I'm 23 now and since the past 2 or 3 years I've been feeling a nudge to jot down my experiences, thoughts, feelings and observations. I'm sure I could get hold of the exact date by looking into one of my journals but ah how does it matter! So the thing is that for some reason or the other and account of one or the other excuse I kept ignoring that nudge, kept telling myself that it's just some wishy washy thing that'll not serve me in anyway, that no one would want to read my blog , not even I!!, that I'd never know what to write about, that sharing my life details with others is the worst thing i could do , that I may end up embarassing myself unecessarily ...blah blah...you got the idea. But now I feel like I've reached a point wherein I'm "really" wanting to move to a higher or better vibrational level, to shift my energy for the better and to take life to a different dimension. I don't know how I'd do it , all I know ...thanks to Revd. Jennifer Hadley's "Course in Miracles" Teleseminars is that "All you gotta show is a little willingness" , the rest would just fall in place. So here I am, with the willingness and the intent. Maybe blogging about my spiritual growth makes no sense in this moment but acting deaf to this soul call ( if I may call it that) ain't gonna serve me in any way. If anything it'll make me all the more restless ( as I've been feeling everytime I thought of blogging about a certain experience and then put it off for some other time!).

Some magical things have occured during this period of 60 days. Of course there were some rough patches too but I'd choose to count my blessings! I believe I'll have to create a new blog for that, recollect the important events and share it with you guys. Why? because I feel like, that's why! And well, of course in my mind I'm always aware that this blog would be a living proof of my success, of my beautiful journey, an evidence of my learning curve and something I could always look back to for encouragement! :)
For now I'd just share that the most magical thing that has happened is my 'moving away from my home and living in a comfortable, nice, secure girl's hostel with my sister that offers delicious food everyday and was So not in our budget (if I were to look at it from a non abundant view point :P - well, I still have lots of issues around abundance that I am praying to resolve and let go of) The second thing has to be my going for an airline's interview and realizing out of the blue that I 'want' to finish my graduation degree, that there is something important that lies for me 'beyond' it! Like it isn't just a simple graduation but something far more important. I just hope I'm not imagining it all! What's even interesting is that inspite of being a distant learning student , a student who is pursuing her graduation through correspondence I have managed to receive sittings in a regular college. That means I'd finally fulfil my dream of actually attending several lectures a day, participating in discussions etc. English literatuare was too boring without it all :p
And yes lots of other things here and there. Would love to pen them down at some other time though.

Another very important decision that I made , I believe, was to order the "Course in Miracles" book...to decide to study the course and implement the teachings in my life. I learnt through the free Teleseminars I chose to attend or rather listen to ( organised by Rev. Jennifer Hadley - there were 8 speakers in all!) that the basic foundation for this course is "Forgiveness". I had been feeling the need to forgive ( I'm not quite sure who all ) and let go of all the clutter and I felt like this book could guide me and show me the path. I'm eagerly awaiting it's arrival. This decision I feel, will bring about some important changes.:D

Also, I'm happy to share that I have decided to attend the 6 day "Everything is Energy Summit being organized by David and Kristen Morelli.I must clarify that when I say attend I mean I'd be listening to the telecalls. These calls shall be free for 24 hours. Isn't that great? I'm hoping to make some interesting energy shifts and understand and clarify certain concepts during the upcoming 6 days ( from tomorrow onwards!) CaNt WaIt!! :D

Yesterday I ended up watching one of Lilou Mace's "Juicy living Tour" videos and I realized that that's "Exactly" what I have always wanted to do! I have long yearned to travel, I absolutely LOVE to talk to people from different cultures that have something interesting to share with me or teach me and in my idea book I had once jotted down that for me the perfect work would be one wherein I get to interview different authors, healers, metaphysical teachers, ordinary people with extraordinary stories etc such that I could share the same with people and help them grow just as much as I would grow. Gosh the very idea of the kind of learning I shall undergo if I were to do that makes my heart sing!!! I remember watching say two or three videos of her and I never liked them. I felt like she didn't believe in what she was saying and that she didn't have enough confidence. But when I heard one of her interviews yesterday I knew how mistaken I was. The woman has changed! From her energy to her face to her confidence...everything seems to have undergone a radical change and wow, you can't imagine the kind of hope that gave to me for myself!! I have her to thank for my return to this blog. In some mysterious way her persistance has filled me with a sense of awe and has made me believe in myself all the more. I have often thought of travelling around the world and interview the people I'd like to , people I think others could learn a lot from. Lilou's Juicy living tour has validated my dream for me. For a moment I thought to myself..."If she's already doing such a tour why would anyone care to be a part of the tour that I shall conduct? It then struck me that every flower has a different fragrance and that every human being has different gift. There are so many singers in the music industry. Would someone passionate about singing ever think of quitting it just because there's a lot many singers already available in the Movie Industry?


Until next time..
Stay blessed :)

The Ugly Duckling

"It's high time you become rational else you'd end up not making anything of your life"

and when I speak up for myself, a very defiant

"I know I'm right"

is added to rest the case.
Why was I told this and why is it that I'm getting to hear this phrase so often? I am a tad amused to note how when anyone in my family is a bit annoyed with me or is having an argument with me and wishes to have an upper hand, this is one of the best retorts that perhaps they can come up with. Or they'd tell me how I'd never make a "Career!" Oh how I hate this word career. Interesingly , that word has always reminded me of a "carrier!" These days one doesn't really get to see taxi's with a carrier in Delhi and one doesn't even call them taxi anymore, cab is the preferred name. But when I was say 8 yrs of age..a yellow black taxi with a carrier was all one usually got to see. It's something like this -->
And unlike this most of them would be loaded with suitcases or other stuff belonging to the passengers. Gradually as I grew up,while those taxi's began to disappear from the scene ( they may still be seen in some parts of India though), a new much hyped up and talked about word "career" began to emerge.Of course it was pretty much a part of the psyche of the people even before that but it is during my teens that I sensed how it kept trying to claw at my soul and grip it like it had possessed the souls of all students and teachers around me ( or that's how it seemed to me!)
It was all about how this course you do , that skill you learn would look good on your resume, how your highschool marks will decide your destiny and be the key to a good college, how you must study voraciously,exhaustively, endlessly and without questioning the course, the academic cirriculum so you may make something of your life, be someone great someday,become well known or get to be ahead of the race.You bet to be successful! Aha! Race, that's what it was then, that's what it is now and that's what it alway felt like. If you're a part of it and are acing your game, you're looked at it in awe or applauded but the flip side is you feel suffocated especially if you gradually gain awareness that this race is keeping you from truly knowing yourself and your potential, it is trying to label you as 'normal'.

Aye, this one fits, this one obeys, this one submits, this one doesn't make us look awkward by trying to question us and therefore threaten our position. Accepted

!

What? that one is trying to break away from the 'norm' , doesn't wish to follow the rules, how dare he/she call this a race -- this is Life!, lazy bunch of people...don't wanna do anything and so they go about tagging our way of living as a race..how do you think that makes 'us' look? ,I tell ya this one so doesn't care about a decent living, he'd mess up his life I bet, he's already made nothing of it --> Rebel --> Rejected!Outcast!Ugly duckling

I wish I could explain to the people worried about my reistance/hesitation over pursuing my graduation or doing an MA in the future ( I was, as per them, destined for a phd!) that I don't enjoy being clouded with doubts or not knowing what I really wish to do. It bothers me way more them it can ever bother them which is I know out of concern for me. And I appreciate all the concern but what i need is support and faith, not warning or caution boards/signals, understanding, not worry, a willingness to look at things from a different perspective!But well, I have to admit my conviction powers seemed to have dipped somewhat. You know how when you're convinced about something, it's like others pick up on that conviction, they sense it and can't bring themselves to raise a finger at you or question you. They too after a point affirm that you'd find your way. Try it sometime and you'd know what I mean. But when you are in doubt , when you yourself aren't pretty sure of your actions, well then the world mirrors you. It mirrors your self doubt and loss of confidence via people who'd not invest much faith in you or through situations where you'd end up cutting a sorry figure for yourself. Why do think I'm facing this situation with my family. Why do you think my brother said that to me?

I have tried to fit in and yet I know not why I always falter. No matter what the situation, I find it extremely hard to not follow the musings of my heart. It's not like I haven't tried to ignore the whispers or that I haven't tried being more rational. But to do that has often felt like an act of self destruction, its as if I was trying to withhold love from my own self, like i was trying to kill the sensitivity I was gifted with. Nopes, I ain't no psychic and yet I don't know why I feel like I've been brought to this scary stage in life because of that sensitive nature, that it has happened because I wasn't numb enough. You'd probably thing why am I in a tough situation when I already am following the call of my heart. Well, that's because while my inner voice does tell me what it doesn't want, I know not why it won't really tell me what it "does" want or maybe i just have to fine tune myself a bit to hear it! ! So it's like you’re hungry and you know don't want to have a chicken, pizza or burger but there are a hell lot of options and you aren't sure as to which dish out of the 100’s available on the menu would you like to order! Does that mean I’m doomed? Well, I hope not.I think I have something promise coming up for me tonight. Let's see how that'd go and I'd be happy to share more about it with you later.
(26th may, thursday, 8pm)